A bold move that combines fiscal policy with mysticism, the U.S. government has announced an innovative plan to address the national budget deficit: hiring a team of fortune tellers, psychics, and tarot card readers. The initiative, dubbed “Fiscal Futures Program,” aims to harness supernatural insights to forecast economic conditions and improve budget allocations.
“This is about thinking outside the box,” explained Treasury Secretary John Smith at a press conference held at a recently redecorated Oval Office. “Why rely solely on economic models and expert analysis when you can also look into the future?”
The plan was reportedly inspired by a late-night brainstorming session that involved a Ouija board and several economic advisors during a retreat aimed at finding creative solutions to persistent economic challenges. “When the planchette spelled out ‘BUDGET SURPLUS,’ we just knew we were onto something,” said an anonymous staffer.
As part of the rollout:
- Astrologers will determine the most financially auspicious days to pass legislation. Bills will only be signed when the stars align, quite literally, to ensure the cosmic energy supports economic growth.
- Tarot cards will be drawn to decide major fiscal policies. For instance, the appearance of The Wheel of Fortune card might suggest it’s a good time to adjust interest rates, while The Fool could indicate the need for caution.
- Psychics will sit in on Congressional budget hearings, offering real-time insights into the future impacts of fiscal decisions. “It’s like insider trading, but the insider is the universe,” quipped one excited policy maker.
Critics have called the plan ludicrous, arguing that it undermines the credibility of economic policy-making. However, proponents argue that since economists rarely agree on anything anyway, adding psychics to the mix might improve the odds of getting something right.
Economic traditionalists are scratching their heads, but Wall Street seems intrigued. One hedge fund manager noted, “We’ve been using algorithms for years — think of this as just another data point.”
In a related announcement, the IRS stated it will now accept payments in both cash and cosmic karma, and the Federal Reserve plans to consult a magic 8-ball before its next interest rate announcement.
As the program gains momentum, the government will monitor outcomes closely. “At the very least, it makes budget meetings a lot more interesting,” admitted one official.